Old quotes

Saturday 24th August 2024

"Wait.....why are we still here? I thought we were getting on the boat and going to the Sea-Elf Kingdom??" - Exasperated Dan

That's what you get for missing a session, Dan: A head full of confusion.

Wednesday 19th 2020

Dee (playing Zorg the Barbarian, chatting to his intelligent sword) - "It's okay, just deal with these bad guys in front of us and then you can get at the Witch faster. Ok?" - The sword was sulking that it couldn't stab the Vampire, Melissa the Red, and was instead being used to kill lowly werewolves. 

24th August 2020

Denney (playing Atta the Bard): "I'll intimidate the crowd. I'll play a song....." - Atta was trying to stop an incoming crowd from mobbing the party by playing a heroic song at them that he actually wrote himself for real. Impressive!

31st August 2021

Ste (playing Denys of Tenfords) "For f*ck's sake, Atta.....oh, sorry. Force of habit... " - said when Denys upon realised that the Cleric, Ageus (Sarah), and not the aforementioned Bard (Denney), was the source of the Golem problem in the treasure vault. 

6th September 2021

Nathan (as Glacidius, referring to an NPC in the game): "I'm off to perform the Heinrich manoeuvre" - said when deciding to have Glacidius chase down the fleeing novice, Heinrich, in the Amber Temple. 

7th August 2017

Doug (referring to Jess's Dragonborn character after a session of carnage largely caused by her): "C-Team: Muzzle your Dragonborn in public spaces or you can be arrested on Section 13, Dangerous races clause of the Villager Protection Act 2017.  Remember, a Rabbit loving Dragonborn is for life, not just for Christmas....."

James Purrett: "Side note: Don’t look at Broom in anyway, friendly or unfriendly." 

Doug: "....or touch the Rabbit he carries."

5th September 2017

Jess (talking about our house move to Butcher Farm): "You're going to come home and find me and Koren have broken into to your house. We'll never leave!" 

15th February 2018

Daz - "I stab it in the face" 

(Doug as the DM points out Kobold is injured and is no threat) 

Daz - "I stab it in the face"

(James and Jess put their characters in the way) 

Daz - (waits a little) "I push through and stab it in the face" 

19th February 2018

James (discussing with the C-Team an action Darren's character, Slamfist, should take while

Darren was absent from the D&D game that week) - "Darren quickly inserts it into his anus" 

12th March 2018

Dee: "That Cleric is my Enemy? That's OK, I'm a sparkling Vampire Priest - he's now working for me"

Dee was playing the Vampire Priest class with a skill that gave him buffs for adding Allies to his party. He was a one-man holy army. Led by the unholy. Go figure. 

11th September 2017

Chris Barton: "I've always thought you were all c*nts - that's why you love me!" 

9th October 2017

ALL PLAYERS (to the tune of 7 Nation Army by the White Stripes) "Moo. Moo, Muh, muh ma, Moo!, Moo! Moo. Moo, Muh, muh ma, Moo!, Moo!" every time Black was rolled on the dice during Saturday's game of Minotaurus. You really did have to be there, I think. 

23rd October 2017

Ste Barton: "My hand-eye co-ordination is sh*t" - before he proceeded to win at Jenga

9th January 2018

Multiple players whist playing Dixit: "Thanks, Darren - now that bloody song is in my head!" - as Darren put an earworm in our heads to put us off the game

5th February 2018

Daz (Playing 7 Wonders and showing his bloodthirsty side) - "I don't care if you have more points than me, as long as I get to kill you" 

27th February 2018

Doug (talking about Dee's extra worker placements when playing Scythe) "Look out! Those damned Nords are multiplying!" 

Dee (in response) - "Yeah, it's too cold where they're from to do anything but do some multiplying. If we do it now, it'll be warmer when we pop out the next generation"

6th March 2018

(Playing Betrayal at House on the Hill)

The Barton Brothers: "Go team Mexico!"

This one needs some context to be funny:

Sarah was revealed as the traitor player and we played the Frankenstein scenario. Given how close one of our win-conditions were to the non-traitor group once the traitor and scenario were revealed, a plan was quickly hatched.

The plan was to put our meatiest players in the way of the Monster and block it from proceeding, attempting to push it off the top of the upper floor's tower while others threw torches at it to set it alight from behind our meaty WALL of FLESH. This wall (dubbed, Team Mexico) was made up of the speedy child played by Ste and the Jock played by Chris. What Sarah only found out too late was that Ste's child had an Angel's feather that allowed him to pretty much auto succeed on pushing over the poor monster...."Go  Team Mexico!" Came the victory cry.

I've never seen such a lucky setup for the Survivors! Poor Sarah suffered the frustration of a no-win situation gracefully :)

24th April 2018

Dee (to Sarah while playing Azul): "So what we're saying here is you like handling his big, squishy bag?" - He was trying to make sense of Sarah's suggestion that she finds Azul's big bag of tiles (that Doug was holding at the time) satisfying to shuffle.

18th September 2017

Sarah (talking about furnishing Butcher Farm): "I wanted a more feminine look for the room. Do you think THESE would fit that theme?" (Holds up bright powder-pink fluffy cushions while Dunning simply roars with laughter)

3rd November 2017

 Kerrie McColm (my sister, as she demonstrated  how to be horrifically obscene in a heavy scottish accent): "You need to have my accent for that. Watch. I'll kick yer c**t in!"

6th November 2017

Sarah and Doug (driving down the A56 over the weekend watching terrible driving habits of white van man): "PANELVAN - you don't have to stop at the red light....." (sung to the tune of  "Roxanne" by The Police)

14th November 2017

Doug (singing on Rockband 4) "......the kids are so young, all over the world, they want to have *Cough splutter hack* " (swallowed a hair while singing at the party. Jack almost pissed himself at this) 

20th November 2017

Random Airsoft kid: "Yeah! We need to just run in there and shoot them. We've got infinite lives! Come on........but I'm not going first, though - one of you can" - said when faced with a dark room full of enemies that we had to storm through a single entry point. I dragged him in first with me with Daz backing us up close behind. F**king chicken-sh*ts need to learn how to face the white wall of death :) 

28th November 2017

Doug (playing Ghost Recon): "They're all alerted for some reason - why have we failed the mission again?? We're nowhere near the mission area!" 

Dee (Also Playing Ghost Recon): "That chopper in the distance you shot down? It's wreckage landed smack-bang in the middle of the compound we're not supposed to be detected by...."

8th December 2017

Sarah: "It's a shame that's not really his sort of thing, I so wish we could buy that for Ste - just for the BEE connection!" - Sarah was talking about

a prospective xmas present for Ste while we were shopping this week. It's funny the sort of things that live on from past roleplaying games, isn't it? 

Doug (via e-mail and talking about one of Mike's 4th edition characters): "Mike Clayton: Wherever you are I hope you know that your most useful basic attack will always live on with us. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!!! 

16th January 2018

(from the Battlesteads dark sky observatory, late on a Saturday evening)

Astronomer #1 - "How's the sky looking?"

Astronomer #2 - "Grim"

Astronomer #1 (moments later) "How's the sky looking now?"

Astronomer #2 - "Grimmer"

22nd January 2018

Doug (Playing Darksiders 2 on PS4): "Eat flaming exploding Zombies, Samael, you demonic donkey sniffing, maggot fu**ing red-skinned teleporting whore. Try that shi**y teleporting move again, I DARE you. I'm Death, and I'm f**king READY for you this time!" - I almost made Kala pass out from laughter as she listened to my rant via the PS4 chat party we had open. She was playing Call of Duty WW2 but pretty much forgot how to play as she almost pissed herself laughing.

29th January 2018

Dee (playing Ghost Recon on PS4) - "Huh. Unidad soldiers are attacking the bad  guys in here. Don't let the soldiers see you - let's see if they kill Santa Blanca for us"

Me (also playing) - " Do you know what this situation needs?"

Dee (from inside the enemy base, trying to stay hidden) - "What?"

Me (from a safe distance in a sniper spot) - "MOAR PEEPS! Rebel cannon fodder troops are now inbound. I just called 

them in for you. I'm sure they won't give you away. You're welcome!"

9th May 2018

Doug: "It's a good job we have all these Gidgets and Gazmos to help" - said as he was trying to fix a few tech things around the house. 

When Sarah pulled him up on his poor wordsmithing, he followed up with, 

Doug: "I'm sorry, I meant Gazmos and Gidgets....."

Doug (by e-mail after recounting the tale): I'm a f$%king idiot sometimes...... 

28th May 2018

Doug (watching Jack play Superhot VR): "One might say that he's just been.......mugged?"  after Jack smashed a guy's head in by throwing a virtual mug over a control console

4th June 2018

The entire crowd of the Dark Room Live event at the UKGE: "YOU AWAKE TO FIND YOURSELF IN A DARK ROOM....." - Fu**ing hell the show was really funny. Especially the Stalin-kid. 

21st May 2020

Kala (talking about Call of Duty after recovering from a string of poor results): "When I'm having a bad match I just run around saying "pew-pew" at people. Then I have a better match"

Doug (responding via a text message): "To get to top 2....you just gotta Pew-Pew!"

7th June 2020

Ste: "Don't put your head down low or it'll get a good licking..." - Ominous warning to the walking group. His Pug/Staffie, Brandy, proceeded to make good on this threat whenever possible. 

22nd June 2020

Ste (playing Call of Duty with Doug, Dee and Kala): "We're being carried by Monkey, again" - He was, of course, referring to Kala out-surviving the entire squad on Call of Duty for the umpteenth time. We had to ask: Is she a great shot, or just really good at virtual hide-and-seek? 

25th July 2020

Doug (to Sarah about their differences in thought process): "Why can't you think more logically? It's like, I'm like Smallworld and you're more like string railway. I get to the point directly and you go around the stations all wibbly-wobbly like."

19th July 2021

Anonymous climber at the Roaches crag: "Can you not jam your fist in that greasy crack?" - Doug's response was less than poetic.